What a day! Justin started first grade today! Wow is he growing up so fast! To start the school year with a bang, Justin and I had a date day on Monday. In the morning he had orientation where we met his teacher Ms. O'Leary, visited his classroom and put away his school supplies. Next we headed go cart racing. Justin then told me he wanted to see Planes for a 2nd time, but later changed his mind and decided he wanted to play with our neighbors. Yesterday Justin was the same ol Justin. He went to the neighbors to swim and was just enjoying another summer day. Mommy on the other hand....I had a rough day. There are a few reasons: 1. It has been an awesome opportunity to stay home with my kids this summer and just "play". Seeing that school starts means summer is ending and well, I need to start my job search soon. And I will probably never have a summer off again. 2. Justin is growing up so fast. Laying with him in bed Monday night I had a thought. Most will say "they grow up in a blink of an eye". Although that is a true statement, I selfishly want him to grow up. That means I am further out from diagnoses and closer to the "safety zone" and it also means that if the worst were to happen and my cancer took me away from him and Ryan, It is more I was able to experience with them. I am in no way rushing time, but I want to soak in every moment I can with my boys and anyone that has been through cancer will agree that the thought is constant. What if this is the last year I prepare him for school, what if this is the last Christmas, WHAT IF?? It gets old, but no matter what, this is a fear! 3. My third reason for having a sappy day was I read on a Triple Negative site that I follow about one of the founders who lost her battle with cancer over the weekend. This saddened me and also made me angry. So of course in typical Amber fashion, I researched to see how many differences I could point out to prove that this doesn't mean Amber will relapse...."I'll bet she didn't have a mastectomy"....She did. "I'll bet hers was further progressed at her initial diagnoses"....It wasn't. Lastly "I'll bet she didn't diet and exercise"....Incorrect again, in fact she ran a marathon 10 months after chemo.....So this left me too with that fear and annoyance of if she can't beat it, how the heck can I! I know and just needed to remind myself that this is "Amber's story" not hers. Only the man upstairs knows how it will play out! Let it go, I am doing everything I can to balance my life between health, fitness and happiness. I slip and cheat on my diet at times, I don't work out every day, but that isn't a sin. That is human! I still have to be a human....I can't be a machine, right? I have to enjoy my time on earth!! I texted back and forth with my cancer buddy Christine yesterday. Funny that she was having somewhat of the same thoughts as me yesterday! I told you cancer peeps think alike. I do think this was a sign because I was really feeling sorry for myself and then the text came in from her. just talking to her and knowing I'm not alone, helped perk me up! As of right now, I am healthy! I have remembered that all summer! Yesterday I somehow let fear take over. I am blaming it on Justin's start of school. And her and I reminded each other that Others may not have cherished their children's first day of school like we do. They don't think this could be their last, but in actuality, it unfortunately could be. But because of our past, we are forced to think about death more then others. Today I have been fine, so please don't call in the Doctors to take me to a padded cell. I promise I am okay!
Ryan and I kept busy today and played a lot. He is roaming looking for Justin and so am I. I keep looking at the clock to see if it is time to get him. I can not wait to hear about his day. Last night he told me he was worried he would not have friends since a majority of his daycare friends will be at a different school. I reminded him that he is such a nice, funny boy that he will not have any problems. I also told him how it was around first grade that I met my friends Megan and Lisa. He knows how close we still are and that brightened him up. I am lucky that I have great friends and can give him real examples to take his fears away! I mean when he tells me he is afraid of monsters under the bed. I sometimes am too afraid to look for him because I have the same fear, but last night I could fix his fear! This made me so happy!
I hope everyone has a wonderful school year with their children! Remember to enjoy all of it because they grow up too fast:)
Amber
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