The holidays have come and went and I think I am still catching up on things around here. Doesn't help that since I am home, I catch myself a lot saying "I will do that tomorrow". But all with a good reason why I didn't do it today....Justin was home due to the weather last week and then also due to a case of bronchitis for even longer when school did start back up Whitney has been here and was to leave last Tuesday but due to the weather she stayed until Wednesday. Thank goodness since Justin was sick. It was nice to have 2 of us here to keep the kids from each other. So far so good, Ryan has not gotten it. (Knock on wood)
I know a lot of people around here did not particularly like the cold weather and blizzard conditions last week. I on the other hand, thought it was wonderful! I had no place to go so let it snow. I know if I worked I would have been just as angry as the rest of you that had to get out or worse yet, had to get their children out. But for me, It was extra time with Justin and extra time with Whitney!
On the health front, I am still on Xeloda. I have finally discovered that I am not immune to the side effects of the drug. One was red feet and hands. This is my rest week on chemo and I think that is a good thing! Yesterday when walking I had some pain in my right foot and when I took my sock off I discovered that along my heel,the skin is cracked and in one area it was completely cut open. My hands are doing okay, although they tingle and around my cuticles they are peeling. So hopefully this week being off of chemo, it will be just enough time to heal before I start back up next Sunday.
I did see Dr. Phillips on Tuesday. I think I was extra emotional with the holidays being over and Whitney getting ready to leave. I cried through out my appointment. I couldn't mask the fear and anxiety I am experiencing with my pain. No one can seem to explain it or understand when I explain the feeling to them. I know I have had bad luck these past couple of years, but I don't think it has been that bad, that I have a cancer pain that no one can fix. I did visit plastics before Christmas and their recommendation was doing a surgery where they would graft skin off of my back and attach it to my breast area to allow for more space for my implant. They felt there was a 50/50 chance that my pain could be from my damaged skin from radiation. This risk I have known since I had my implants and there is not a dead line of when if you don't feel pain, you are considered in the safety zone. I didn't like their answer since 50/50 isn't huge odds and to undergo a surgery that may do nothing for me....yeah no thanks. So meeting with Dr. Phillips I asked what she thought about this and she explained she did not feel comfortable with me doing this. With skin grafts you are at risk of infection and even though I feel good, I am extra susceptible to infection and I would also have to stop chemo for some time to do this surgery. So that brought on the tears. Even though I had determined on my own the surgery was probably not for me, her saying it and not offering any further resolution to stopping my pain, plain pissed me off! So she came up with the plan to do another scan. It has been 6 months since my last one so it is time, but also to help my anxiety to make sure we are still on the right path as far as chemo goes. Of course this brings on more anxiety than I have originally had. So scans are scheduled for next Tuesday the 21st and an appointment with her is scheduled for next Friday, 1/24 at 4:20. So I ask for extra prayers throughout these next 2 weeks.
I am on edge. I feel like as scans approach you start to put your life on hold. So much weighs on the results. Will I be able to continue my plan to have Ryan involved in activities daily if I for some reason need to start a different chemo? Can I dye my hair or is that a waste of money? And from following another stage 4 breast cancer pal, "Can I continue to buy the green bananas". When I saw this I originally though oh how morbid, but it is the truth as I wait for the scan. I hate to go there and I know you all hate to read it ,but I have to prepare myself because my future rides on the scans. I can still control my mood, my mind, and emotions, but I can not take back what the scans could reveal. So mom and dad have graciously agreed to come see me next week. With the scans being Tuesday and no results to Friday, I need them here to keep me busy and to keep the kids busy. I don't know that I am the best mommy when I am waiting for test results. I kind of go into a daze and just go through the motions. So they will come in Wednesday night and stay until Sunday.
Lastly, I have started acupuncture! I did my first treatment on Saturday and I am in love! The lady I am seeing is so knowledgeable and spent a lot of time explaining things to me before sticking me with needles. I fell asleep during the treatment and slept better than I have in years. I have to say I will be having a twice a week affair with acupuncture! It is pricey, but if it can rid me of some of this pain or better yet, rid me of cancer, I will pay what I have to!
So if you can please please please keep me in your prayers these next few weeks. I could definitely use them. And please also pray for a little boy Mason Whitaker. He is the nephew to my friend Megan. He is 1 1/2 and was diagnosed with leukemia last week. He is being treated in St. Louis and is in great hands, but has started down a long road along with his family. They do have a blog under caringbridge.org under his first and last name or you can find their page on Facebook under Prayers for Mason.
Love to all!