Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Tuesday Update

Yesterday I survived my first MRI.  WOW, you would think with the technology that is out there, they would find a way to silence that machine!  I was asked if I wanted to listen to music or use ear plugs, I opted for the music.  I think I chose wrong, most of you know I can only hear out of 1 ear as it is, but with the noise of the machine, even my good ear couldn't make out any of the music! I just closed my eyes and prayed and peaked out at the techs to see what they were doing, but mostly prayed.  

No results as of yet, but I'm not in a hurry anymore to get medical updates.  I was e-mailing back and forth with a co-worker yesterday and I told him that I get these tests and then want to rush home to my safe place away from medical terms, the looks of the nurses when I tell them why I'm there, the waiting in a waiting room afraid of a Dr. approaching me to give me news.  Home is where I feel safe right now.  

Yesterday I was responding to an e-mail from a friend of my mothers, also known as a 2nd mom to me while I was growing up.  I was responding and just started typing exactly how I think I feel... This week is difficult, because we still have so many unanswered questions and concerns about my enemy.  Once we know if it has or hasn't spread, we know exactly who my enemy is and at that point, I can begin my fight.  Knowing that my enemy has had a head start makes me very angry, but anger might actually work in my favor.  It might be a step ahead, but most of you know, I'm very smart and will outsmart this thing!  

Please keep up the comments and prayers to me, you are all my biggest cheerleaders right now.  When I look at the comments,  Mostly they are like wow you are so brave and so strong, I'm not....I want to feel like the above all the time, but quite honestly, a majority of my day is spent fighting off the lump in my throat or wiping tears from my eyes.  This is normal and I know that this will probably be just a part of me from now on.  I am told I will have good days and bad, I just want my normal back!  Someday soon I will, but my normal will never be what my normal was 2 weeks ago.  So again, please keep up with the words of encouragement so I can get to the paragraph above permanently. 

Today is my echo cardio gram and then a class on chemo.....what to expect and so on.  Tonight, Don and I will attempt to attend our first breast cancer support group.  I'm having a hard time with this.  Don't get me wrong, no one deserves this nasty disease, but I struggle going as a young 33 year old, mother of 2, middle sister, middle daughter, niece, aunt, granddaughter, friend etc....Most fighters and survivors are all that I have listed, but for me, it is so hard to walk into a class of more than likely women a lot older than myself.  So today I pray for peace and that my fear of going to this support class is wrong and I meet wonderful women that will get me through this regardless of age.  

I promise to update once I get through today since tomorrow will be my "normal" day.....Just work and home, before more tests on Thursday and chemo starting on Friday morning.  The boys are at day care, Don is working and my dad has been playing handy man and maid so I had some time to put some thoughts and updates out there.  But I will update either tonight or tomorrow with how today went.  

Love to all!



  1. Thank you so much for the updates Amber! I find that I am constantly checking to see if you have any news. You are on my mind first thing in the morning, all throughout the day, and last thing at night. There are so many prayers flying around out there for you! Know this and use it as part of your arsenal as you fight through the days ahead. Love, Hugs & Kisses all sent your way!!! Aunt Tam

  2. Often times I've wondered how I would be in your situation. I think you nailed it when you said you will prevail due to your strength and humor, these were my own personal weapons of choice too! This song by Matthew Wilder comes to mind, "Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride, Nobody's gonna slow me down, Oh-no, I got to keep on moving."

  3. Thanks for sharing, Amber. I'm sad for how this knocks the wind out of your sails, but I'm so proud of you for being honest and real. You're a gem, Amber....you really do shine.