Yesterday I had my first shower. This was more difficult than I would have originally expected. I think it is hard to imagine just how little you can do when you can't raise your arms up over your head. Don had to help more than I thought he would have to. We also removed my pain pump. I thought I was going to pass out. I don't have much feeling in my chest area, but you could tell he was removing something and I could picture it, so it was making me sick. I'm glad that part is over with. I wasn't really utilizing the pain pump on my own so it was time to go.
Yesterday I also took my first look....They have warned me that this first look should not be taken serious. I look like I was used as a punching bag, I'm bruised everywhere I look. I will say it took my breath away. I know over time, this will get easier to look at, but it is overwhelming at this time so I am going to boycott showers until it is time to get my implants. Just kidding, but I do hope as the pain goes away and I continue to heal, I can bear looking at myself in the mirror again. I do not have any feeling right now and I am not really sure how much will return. It is just weird and I will leave it at that right now. I'm kind of focusing on the healing part and trying not to think much more about my appearance as I still have a ways to go with the cosmetic part.
Last night I had a difficult time sleeping. I have been sleeping in silky pajamas, which help me to get in and out of bed on my own in the middle of the night. They slip right off of the sheets. I have tons of pillows propping me up too because it also makes it easier to get in and out of bed and also it seems like when I lay myself all the way down, the skin feels tighter and that hurts some. I have been taking 2 pain pills at bed time and last night I was itching like crazy. I am blaming this on the pain medication so starting tonight, I will only take 1 and see how I can do. During one of my midnight scratches, I was wiggling to sit up and realized not only do I not have full use of my arm and chest muscles, but I also never really regained use of my stomach muscles. Being pregnant and then having a c-section, 9 months later, most are probably fully recovered, but I started chemo when Ryan was only 3 months so I was nowhere near being fully healed from that. So what works is I use my fists and plant them into my bed and take a deep breath to get to the sitting position and then I just wiggle until I am at the edge of the bed. It probably looks hilarious, but it is so not funny, but I'm smiling thinking about how I do this right now because it has to be a funny sight! So this should be toning up my stomach muscles no problem!
I still have not focused too much on the next steps. I have to be honest, there are times that I forget I'm recovering from a surgery for cancer. I am just so focused on healing that it is easy to block out that there is still some unknown questions that we will get answers to this week. I just know that no matter what, I have to continue on so just tell me what I have to do and I'll do it!
Tomorrow I am hoping to get out of the house. I am getting a little stir crazy. Probably just to take Justin (with more help) to get a haircut and maybe to get some more camisoles that hold drains. I will have drains for about another week and I have found one I really like and one I really hate so I need another one. So we will call around to see if any of the wellness centers around here can refer me to a place and if not, I will just order another one on-line.
That is all for tonight! Hopefully tonight will be a better nights sleep for me!
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