Nothing much to update right now, so I guess that is a good thing! Still feeling for the most part good after my treatment last Friday. I can tell my levels are dropping as I have been feeling more tired and my nose is starting to run. I'm like my little boys these days, I constantly have to keep Puffs by me!
My only big update is my hair! I knew it would happen and I have to say it was not as hard as I thought, but I am still dealing with it daily. Trying to find the exact style I like. Nothing compares to having a full head of hair, but my turbans have been what I feel best in these days. I still have not had it shaved, but I look ridiculous without covering it so I will spare everyone the details! Justin has his favorite turban / wrap and I am not sure how to break it to him, but it is not one of mine. He likes it because it has a flower that attaches to it. I wore it the other day and it really put me in a bad mood:( It could have just been an off day, but I am blaming it on a bad "hair" day. I think I can work the flower in somewhere else for him to keep him happy.
Speaking of my Justin, he is doing so good. I know he has heard and probably understands more than Don and I are willing to admit. We knew before all of this how smart he was, but he asks questions and is overly concerned with small things these days and I know deep down, the poor little boy probably has a lot on his mind and doesn't know how to express himself. The other day I told him not to worry about things that we are "minute by minute, day by day." Justin repeated the phrase over and over and I honestly think it is helping. He is like me and has always been overly worried about things. Our minds wonder and I know exactly how he must feel. I know he does not understand how nasty cancer is because he is 5, but this past month, he has seen his mommy cry, go to bed early, get frustrated and now lose her hair. All he has handled the best any 5 year old can. He has asked what is wrong and rubbed my back, came to get in bed early with me, asked me not to yell or say bad words (yes, there was 1 time that I cussed on accident in front of him.....do not judge:) and he has supported my hat / turban wearing! He is the best little boy and I am so proud of him! But I do need prayers and that we are doing everything we are supposed to for him and will take any advise that anyone may have. We have some lists of counseling classes where he is shadowed and we are taking him to church, but we are taking feedback!
Little Ryan is just the best these days too! What a happy little boy. He just smiles and melts my heart. Before I was diagnosed, I used to look forward to the midnight feedings with him, because that was our quiet time together. Working full time, after bath and dinner, Ryan was falling asleep so I liked when he would wake up to eat because I rock him and just stare at my beautiful angel. I am missing those feedings these days but I know I have to take care of myself and being such a good baby and having awesome family, he is getting what he needs and wants.... a bottle, fresh diaper and back to bed. So I have to let others do this, I just miss that time and know when I am better, he will (better be) sleeping through the night. So I won't get these days back. But what he doesn't know won't hurt him. He is in great hands! He is getting 3 teeth and is rolling like crazy! I can tell you that he is going to be quick to do everything! He wants to be involved in all of the action with his big brother! I am so blessed for my boys.
Lets not forget about Don. I do not doubt that this is probably at times harder on him. There are no words that can make me feel better at times, there is not enough he can do or say to keep my spirits up and I know that it is so frustrating and probably hard to be around me at times. Especially because most of you reading this know that I'm the one usually cracking the one liners and making sure we are all laughing. I want and look forward to the day that I can go back to that. Until then, I must remind him for better or worse:) I know he loves me and will keep me around, but I know he wants things to get back to normal just as quickly as I do. He is a great daddy to our boys and has shown extra patience and has really stepped in and took over to make sure we are all cared for and are all getting the extra attention we need.
So for this post, I ask for thoughts and prayers for my 3 boys. I also of course ask for the continued prayer that this stupid tumor continues to shrink and lastly for good days! This is so exhausting and I still can not get through the day without a coughing away the lump in my throat or just letting it out and just crying! I know this is all normal and I know I am doing the best that I can so what else can I ask for, right? I know I'm blessed with the best family, friends, neighbors, co-workers etc. just prayers and continued support is what we need!
Lots of Love,